Where is my Slow Cooker?

What looks like a newly born lamb AND grows out of the ground like a plant?

A Vegetable Lamb! Duh.

In his work entitled “Notes on Russia”, Baron Sigismund Freiherr von Herberstein (historian and member of the Holy Roman Empire Imperial Council) had this to say about Vegetable Lamb:

It had a head, eyes, ears, and all other parts a newly born lamb.

OH RLY? TELL US MORE.

In Claude Duret’s book “Histoire Admirable des Plantes” (1605), he devoted an entire chapter to the Vegetable Lamb. It was said that, when planted, “it grew to a height of two and a half feet and was rooted by the navel in the middle of the belly”. The lamb were connected to the plant by an umbilical cord and grazed the land around the plant. When all the plants were gone, both the plant and sheep died

Both of these menz were well-known and well-respected back in the day so these stories are NOT to be taken lightly.

OMG even Erasmus Darwinwrote about the Vegetable Lamb!

E'en round the Pole the flames of love aspire,And icy bosoms feel the secret fire,Cradled in snow, and fanned by Arctic air,Shines, gentle borametz, thy golden hair;Rooted in earth, each cloven foot descends,And round and round her flexile neck she bends,Crops the grey coral moss, and hoary thyme,Or laps with rosy tongue the melting rime;Eyes with mute tenderness her distant dam,And seems to bleat - a vegetable lamb.

While I am aware that this is an excerpt from Darwin’s poem, The Botanic Garden, and not a report or a sighting of the Vegetable Lamb, I really don’t care. I have already decided to plant Vegetable Lambs all over my garden so that I may feast all summer long on their succulent deliciousness.

Below you will find actual video footage of my soon-to-be-all-in-one dinner in action! Some jerk told me this was animated, and not “real footage”. I told that guy to shut the fuck up. And guess what jerk face? You are so not invited to my Vegetable Lamb buffet party this summer.