I’m a pisces and I can’t swim. I FEAR large bodies of water. Actually, the only water I like is filtered and comes in individual bottles for my drinking pleasure. THAT’S ALL FOLKS.

I get really annoyed when my friends think they will be “the one” to teach me to swim or urge me to go to the beach “with them” as if their presence will make it some mind altering awakening for me. Please stop. I don’t want to do either of those things with any you, so leave me lone and cut me loose!

Now having said that, my deep appreciation for the vast array of sea creatures is immeasurable. I don’t need to dive head first in the place they call home to love them. No offense bebies, I’m not tryna chill with y’all, I just wanna love you! You feel me?

The Vampire Squid (aka VAMPIRE SQUID FROM HELL) is no doubt one of my all time favorite cephalopods. Not only because it has the word HELL in its formal name, but because it is cute and scary at the same time and that makes me feel good.


Back in 1903 some German dude saw one and thought it was a damn octopus. Pshhhh that man was obviously a fool. The Vampire Squid is not only CLEARLY a cephalopod, but it even belongs to its own phylogenetic order. Isn’t that neat! It is the only living member of the order of Vampyromorphida.


Oh, I also love them because their entire bodies are covered in photophores which makes them bioluminescent, like WHOA.

In short, you don’t have to worry about the Vampire Squid. They aren’t trippin on humans and they only get to be about a foot long in size. Cutie patooti!

Now you DO need to be scurrd of…


Noooo not Weezy y’all! I am talking about the GIANT stingray! The title of this post is dedicated to it!

To quote one of the greatest writers of the 21st century: “OH HALES NO”

People! Do you understand!?! Do you realize that a normal sized bitch-ass stingray took the life of our beloved crocodile hunter? So basically, this MUTHA will fuck your shit UP SON. Ugh I hate it! But I also love it cuz I’m crazy like dat.

Alright lets simmer down now and talk about Sea Cucumbers.

I’m not scared of them at all and you shouldn’t be either. They are incredible, ancient creatures. The oldest sea cucumber fossils date toabout 425 million to 405 million years back and there are about 1400 species around today. I’ve only seen small to medium size ones, but they can get to be up to 6 feet long. Thats just crazy.

I think most sea cucumbers are gorgeous, much like this

But they can also look like a dooks

And even like a dild